So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
