There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
