She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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