She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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