when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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