I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
