So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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