I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
