How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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