respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish you could order shots online.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
