woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
