Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
