That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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