Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
