Pants 0. Shit 1.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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