Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
