I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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