So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
