She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
