woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
