we're chasing vodka with high fives
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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