i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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