i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
