dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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