I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
