I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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