You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
