Tell her she can't have a vagina
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
