I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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