Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
