woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
