Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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