i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize