Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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