I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
