We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
