I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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