Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
