Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
