I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
