I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
