I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
