Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
