drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
