Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
