Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
