he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
