how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Randomize
