just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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