Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
