im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize