My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
