and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
