just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
