My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
