Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
