I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
