dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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